CDC Finds Idibola More Harmful Than Ebola

09H00M----ATLANTA, GA, USA

The head of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced Monday that researchers have found “a new threat to public health of the United States and the world.” Answering questions about what these sinister words meant, Dr. Thomas Frieden remarked that “the disease is a derivative of the Ebola pandemic. We’re concerned about this development. Our team notes that these offspring appear during any crisis.” Pressured further by disgruntled CBS host Bob Schieffer, Frieden flatly announced, “It’s called Idibola. Given the stupidity of the population, we’ve noticed a widespread misinformation about Ebola. If I go any further into it, people are going to get scared of Idibola, too.” Frieden, seen obviously upset by the encounter, got up, put on his stethoscope, picked up his medical bag, and headed out to a waiting ambulance outside the studio. “Yes, it’s my car. Screw off,” he sneered.  

We heard "Born to Be Wild" blasting out of the ambulance as the nation's top medical researcher drove away.

Ebola has been spreading at rapid rates around the United States. 6,000 Africans have been confirmed with Ebola, while already four Americans have been diagnosed with Ebola. It has been reflected on the public. Long lines at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York have instated screenings for Ebola before departure. Multiple airports around the world have seen delays, interruptions, or even closures, such as at Newark International Airport. According to Mayo Clinic medical expert Mark Affenberg, these are all dangerous signs.

“These are symptoms consistent with Idibola. We have not seen this sort of case of pandemonium from a disease since Swine Flu. This country is especially predisposed to such medical afflictions. The United States is not nearly as well-equipped for an educated response to world threats to public health as Europe, such as we have seen with Ebola. The numbers are everywhere: we are simply less apt to being informed and aware of the truths about medical issues in the world,” asserted Dr. Affenberg

FFSOM has found that the numbers agree with the sentiment. 41.5% of Americans get vaccinated from influenza each year, compared to around 85% of Canadians, according to the United Nations report on the well-being of the child.

“The issue is, Ebola is only transmitted through liquidity associations – fecal matter, sweat, saliva – that’s about it. The people who get up in arms about flying next to someone who talked to someone who looked at someone who emailed someone with signs of Ebola are the primary examples of Idibola carriers. They are real and they are frightening,” continued Affenberg.

The story is rather different in DeRidder, Louisiana, where the Church of the Holy Father has been preaching dangerous faux-facts about Ebola. According to testimonies, Father Thomas imparts that, "I have told you, my docile ones, that all things internet are harmful. Now we have E-bola! First e-mail, now e-bola. What's next? e-communism? e-gays? e-lesbians?" All of the church members have been quarantined for Idibola. We were granted special access to the CDC’s laboratory to speak to them. One of the congregation members agreed to talk to FFSOM on condition of anonymity. 

Church of the Holy Spirit, DeRidder, Louisiana has been shut down and cornered off due to the recent Idibola outbreak.

“We don’t need no homiesexuals [sic.] or Nazis or Commies bringing us Ehbawla [sic.]. One breath and you’re out. I got my rifles ready, my garanades [sic.]. Uncle Tommy thinks the Islamo-muslims [sic.] bringing it to Louisiana. We pray to Lord Jesus to stop the onslaught of Ebola, but we don’t think Jesus wanna help us poor souls in DeRidder.”

When asked what Ebola does, this person answered, “I don’t know. Do I look like a doctor to you?"



DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical in nature. It is not intended to be factual or serious. All characters, places, or situations appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, places, or situations is purely coincidental.