United Nations Announces Plan to Build Moat Around Eastern Europe

DEC. 3., 13H30M--New York, NY

The United Nations Security Council was called into an emergency session in the morning hours of December 3rd to discuss continued disturbances in the Donbass region of Ukraine. The Ukrainian representation flung increasingly repetitive accusations at a relaxed Vitaly Churkin, the Russian envoy to the UNSC. Visibly sweating and playing around with a tube of natural gas in his hands, the Ukrainian spokesman, Alexander Pavlichenko, expressed concern for "recurrent incursions of the Russian Empire onto proud Ukrainian territory." Pavlichenko delved deeper: "One proud Ukrainian people will be stronger than the multibillion dollar warfare complex of the Russian Federation. We will stand strong, united, bound, and kindred by a common cause and a common ideal. Of course," he added, "this is not an exclusive statement to American investments and international aid." Making a deplorable puppy face, Pavlichenko forced saline-induced tears out of his eyes as he opened up a burlap bag filled with coins of international variety. Attempting to rattle the coins, Pavlichenko threw in scrap metal in forlorn desperation to produce noise. 

Pavlichenko broke down in tears when the Haitian dignitaries bullied him out of his earnings. We received immediate reports of an unprecedented increase in in Haitian GDP. 

Most UNSC parties regrettably informed the ambassador that they would not be able to make contributions at this time, but that their prayers would be eternally with the Ukrainian peoples and their confusing history.

Tired of the circus-like nature that the internationally community had been fostering in the global arena, US UNSC ambassador Samantha Power introduced a resolution to dam a moat around the former lines of demarcation of the Soviet bloc. Samantha Power, speaking from the desk she was standing on in frantic frenzy to bring order to the chamber, stated "It has become perfectly obvious Russia has no intention of becoming cozy neighbors with the democratic world. Frankly, even Russia seems to be sounding its paranoia alarms. Complete isolation would be the optimal resolution to this pathetic problem." Ending her sentiments, Power brandished a shovel and cargo pants, and proceeded to exit the chamber.

The eight ambassadors who followed Ambassador Power to Berlin to break ground. 

FFSOM visited the village of Wieniscka. In Wieniscka FFSOM observed the new policy of Stupidita, wherein all things Soviet are ignored, ostracized, publicly burned, and thrown out windows into ravines. This has been causing moderate tension. We inquired a nice grandmother who baked us anti-imperial cookies and served us Polish Independence™ tea. Warmed by old Soviet generators, the village youth interpreted her provincial Polish: "We don't want anymore Russian invasions. Praise be god, why do we need Russia? We have our own Western European invaders to deal with. We still haven't dealt with the Germans, and now they are playing their own games with the Euro-Shmeuro. Russia is simply too much to deal for now. I have even brought out my old potbelly burner to keep warm during this time. My son will be chopping wood, but we'll have to use our knives. The axes are Soviet - we sent them back, haha... *inaudible coughing*." FFSOM was informed that our beloved grandmother had a heart attack, but had to be transported to Western Poland to find a hospital that had not been built on Soviet infrastructure. She will be dearly missed.

Her tombstone had to be cut from South American granite, out of overall fear of using a Russian rock. 

Russian president Vladimir Putin mentioned the moat project in his annual address to the joint session of Russian congress. Standing on top of his gilded platform held up by four slaves, speaking into a microphone wrought of solid platinum, Putin jabbed at the United Nations, "Our American partners have decided to sabotage our prosperity once more. We will not tolerate this sort of aggression any further." Putin's words were met with raucous applause, but suddenly, the leader led the room to silence. He elucidated his words, "Russia is a proud nation of proud people who have shown their unmovable ability to tolerate heaps of bullshit. We shall put this to the test again. Russia will again become the leader of its domain. Glory be Russia." After this, Putin put on his hardhat and brought out a shovel that uncannily resembled that of Ms. Power's. This one, however, was made of solid gold and was encrusted with diamonds.

Mr. Putin did not leave before showing off his most impressive finger shadow theater skills.

CDC Finds Idibola More Harmful Than Ebola

09H00M----ATLANTA, GA, USA

The head of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced Monday that researchers have found “a new threat to public health of the United States and the world.” Answering questions about what these sinister words meant, Dr. Thomas Frieden remarked that “the disease is a derivative of the Ebola pandemic. We’re concerned about this development. Our team notes that these offspring appear during any crisis.” Pressured further by disgruntled CBS host Bob Schieffer, Frieden flatly announced, “It’s called Idibola. Given the stupidity of the population, we’ve noticed a widespread misinformation about Ebola. If I go any further into it, people are going to get scared of Idibola, too.” Frieden, seen obviously upset by the encounter, got up, put on his stethoscope, picked up his medical bag, and headed out to a waiting ambulance outside the studio. “Yes, it’s my car. Screw off,” he sneered.  

We heard "Born to Be Wild" blasting out of the ambulance as the nation's top medical researcher drove away.

Ebola has been spreading at rapid rates around the United States. 6,000 Africans have been confirmed with Ebola, while already four Americans have been diagnosed with Ebola. It has been reflected on the public. Long lines at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York have instated screenings for Ebola before departure. Multiple airports around the world have seen delays, interruptions, or even closures, such as at Newark International Airport. According to Mayo Clinic medical expert Mark Affenberg, these are all dangerous signs.

“These are symptoms consistent with Idibola. We have not seen this sort of case of pandemonium from a disease since Swine Flu. This country is especially predisposed to such medical afflictions. The United States is not nearly as well-equipped for an educated response to world threats to public health as Europe, such as we have seen with Ebola. The numbers are everywhere: we are simply less apt to being informed and aware of the truths about medical issues in the world,” asserted Dr. Affenberg

FFSOM has found that the numbers agree with the sentiment. 41.5% of Americans get vaccinated from influenza each year, compared to around 85% of Canadians, according to the United Nations report on the well-being of the child.

“The issue is, Ebola is only transmitted through liquidity associations – fecal matter, sweat, saliva – that’s about it. The people who get up in arms about flying next to someone who talked to someone who looked at someone who emailed someone with signs of Ebola are the primary examples of Idibola carriers. They are real and they are frightening,” continued Affenberg.

The story is rather different in DeRidder, Louisiana, where the Church of the Holy Father has been preaching dangerous faux-facts about Ebola. According to testimonies, Father Thomas imparts that, "I have told you, my docile ones, that all things internet are harmful. Now we have E-bola! First e-mail, now e-bola. What's next? e-communism? e-gays? e-lesbians?" All of the church members have been quarantined for Idibola. We were granted special access to the CDC’s laboratory to speak to them. One of the congregation members agreed to talk to FFSOM on condition of anonymity. 

Church of the Holy Spirit, DeRidder, Louisiana has been shut down and cornered off due to the recent Idibola outbreak.

“We don’t need no homiesexuals [sic.] or Nazis or Commies bringing us Ehbawla [sic.]. One breath and you’re out. I got my rifles ready, my garanades [sic.]. Uncle Tommy thinks the Islamo-muslims [sic.] bringing it to Louisiana. We pray to Lord Jesus to stop the onslaught of Ebola, but we don’t think Jesus wanna help us poor souls in DeRidder.”

When asked what Ebola does, this person answered, “I don’t know. Do I look like a doctor to you?"



DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical in nature. It is not intended to be factual or serious. All characters, places, or situations appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, places, or situations is purely coincidental.